Effective Communication

  This week, I had the opportunity to learn more about a topic frequently mentioned when discussing relationships: communication. Although communication is commonplace within marital advice and has shown to be a great predictor of relationship success or struggle, many people are unaware of the skills needed to appropriately talk with their partner, especially when disagreement has occurred. So, instead of putting on your armor and preparing to go to battle next time you disagree with a significant other (or anyone really), consider this advice I learned in my class this week:

First and foremost, stop assuming that your partner can read your mind. As much as the media portrays the "perfect relationship" as being between two partners who "just get each other" without having to talk things through, this doesn't happen in real life. People can be pretty dumb sometimes. While we may think that the subtle hints of what we want are enough for our partner to catch on, it is easy for us to become blindsided and misinterpret if things remain unsaid. In addition to this, stop assuming that you can fully understand all of your partner's intentions and thoughts. While you and your partner may be going through similar things, you each have your unique set of behaviors, emotions, and cognitions that can make your responses to those shared experiences different. 


With this understanding of partners' differences in mind, I would like to introduce a model that can help with better communication: The Five Secrets of Effective Communication. Created by American Psychiatrist David Burns, these five secrets are a set of conversational skills grouped into three categories: empathy, assertiveness, and respect. Together, they can help people problem solve and better manage conflict, no matter their circumstances. Let's first take a look at the empathy category. The empathy category includes three of the five steps: the disarming technique, empathy, and inquiry. When disarming, we look for truth in the other person's words. Although we may disagree with this person's statements, we are trying to relate to and understand their perspective and how it can contribute to present circumstances. Next, empathy involves two practices: thought and feeling empathy. With thought empathy, we try to paraphrase the person's words, and with feeling empathy, we try to recognize what the other person is experiencing based on what they are saying. Finally, with inquiry, we are asking gentle but floor-opening questions that help us better understand the other person's perspective. 


Moving into the next category of The Five Secrets of Communication, Burns recommends that we be assertive. In particular, he suggests that we take an opportunity to express our side by using "I feel" statements. By turning us away from "you" statements, which look to place blame, "I feel" phrases allow us to articulate our side of things to our partner. Finally, David Burns talks about success. For the final secret, he introduces a technique called "stroking." Stroking is a communication method where you try to find the positive within someone, even if you are upset with them. By genuinely trying to see the good in another person, we take a step back from the battlefield of an argument and see the whole of the other person without their battle armor. 

In general, if we want to be good communicators and equal partners, we must be willing to step away from our natural responses and plan out our actions. Although no one is perfect, starting now to practice and utilize these methods and behavior patterns can save us from spewing out meaningless comments meant to tear our partner down in the heat of the moment. 

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