Divorce

  This week was the last week of lectures for my class. So, naturally, we talked about a pretty intense topic within families: divorce. While reflecting on this topic and writing about it, I struggled quite a bit. As someone who has never personally experienced either of these situations, I feel a little unqualified to give my two cents. During class this week, I watched as many people expressed high emotions over this subject and the challenges and heartache it can present. However, regardless of my inexperience, I still would like to share what I learned.

One of the first things my class discussed was some of the reasons people get divorced. Initially, the conversation turned to cheating and infidelity. However, as my classmates and I soon learned, these circumstances don't end in as many separations as we think. While most Americans report that they would immediately "kick someone to the curb" after they cheated, more than half of the marriages that experience cheating remain intact. Furthermore, these couples report a strengthening of their relationship afterward. Ultimately, this comment helped me realize that things aren't as black and white as they appear to be and that media discussions of divorce can sometimes be inaccurate. After learning this, our class discussed other potential causes of divorce, including addiction, a lack of communication, and money problems. As we discussed these additional contributors, we focused on the fact that divorce isn't something that typically happens overnight. For many couples, divorce comes with a build-up of problems until there is a wall between two people. 

Another topic we also discussed was the stations of divorce. Simply put, this refers to all the ways a couple separates after their marriage ends. In addition to the legal divorce of the couple, there is also an economic separation, a social divorce (if you've been married long enough, you likely have similar friend groups), and parental divorce. While all these aspects of divorce are tricky, one of the most difficult is parental. With this separation, couples often view parenting as a competition, trying to win over their children's affection. For children in this situation, this putting down of one by the other can be distressing. Research reports that, especially for adult children of divorce, there is a lack of belief in marriage success thanks to this mentality. In general, this section in our discussion helped me to see how many areas of life divorce affects. 

So, does all this mean there is no hope for failing marriages? No. During my class's discussion, my professor brought up a study on divorcees and their feelings following the divorce. As a result of this study, researchers found that 70% of divorcees regretted it two years later. For this 70%, they felt now that they could have and should have saved the marriage then but didn't. In addition, studies of failing marriages found that, five years later, if the couple held on and stayed together, 70% reported being highly satisfied in their relationship, despite being in distress just a few years earlier. While this isn't to say that there aren't some cases where divorce is the best option. However, I think it's important to recognize that strong emotions and high stress can block us from seeing the good in a situation and the potential to move forward. 

In closing out my thoughts, I wanted to take an opportunity to reflect on what I have learned this semester. Going into this class, I didn't know what to expect. While I knew I would be learning about families, I was unsure how the information I learned would apply to me and if it could help me in the future. Looking back, I have greater confidence in my abilities to raise a family and to build a supportive marriage. While divorce produces a lot of anxiety and fear in family life, we don't have to take challenges in marriage as a sign of defeat.